After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
