First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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