Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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