I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize