I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
