Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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