I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Fuck appropriateness.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
