My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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