my being single is dangerous.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize