a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
