pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
