i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
