seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I wish life had little blips of pornography
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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