Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
