I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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