we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
