my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
