I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
