Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
