my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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