I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
