you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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