i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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