my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
