is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i think i just naturally attract stoners
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
