I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
