Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We got so high we made milksteak
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize