just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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