The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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