My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
