I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
