Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize