I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
