I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
