drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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