Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
