Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
