I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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