Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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