Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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