dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
