the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
