youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
how drunk are you?
Several
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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