It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
