There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
