I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
