I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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