dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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