I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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