I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
