and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
