if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
