Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize