Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize