Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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