Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
