First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
