Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
