I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
