I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
