i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need to calm my uterus...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize